Tuesday, August 24, 2010

tell me how to win your heart, for i haven't got a clue

lately i've been freaking about being alone and whining because i didn't like it. i wasted time and energy doing something no one cared to listen to. why? i don't know. because recently i've begun to want something else: i want to be alone. i want to hide, to not have to face the world or the coming of another day.

in your head, you're probably going, 'what the hell, girl? isn't this exactly what you didn't want?'

yes, you'd be correct in that assumption. but i don't understand it either. because it's more than just 'getting used to it'. it's so much more. i'm comfortable in my own head. sure, sometimes it's scary and doesn't make and sense, but it's mine.

my fear now? i'm afraid i might like it too much, this being alone and being in my corner. i'm afraid of reverting back to my old self from tenth grade. remember that, A.P.? i used to sit at the cafeteria table with a few people and H.H. used to try to talk to me, but my ipod was up too high or my book was in my face. or sometimes i just straight-out ignored her. but then she'd say something like: 'where do you go when you do that?' (referring to when i used to stare out the window and get lost in thought) and i'd look up, snapped put of my reverie and i'd respond angrily: 'i don't know! i just don't know!' i'd lash out and she'd jump slightly, not expecting the outburst. i thought my tone would imply that i wanted to be alone, but at the end of the hour she'd have her arms open for a hug and i'd leave her embracing air as i walked quickly to my Spanish 20 class. you were there, too. i remember doing it to you, too. you'd chase after me, up the stairs and to the door, sometimes surprised at my speed. you'd crush me in an unwanted hug and my arms would wrap around you limply, just to get it over with. i'd walk into class and Mr. M would look at me questioningly (if he was there; you have no idea how happy i was when he wasn't) and i'd try to give him a smile as i made my way to my desk with my friends. then, just like that, i'd switch gears. i'd be happy me and push sad me into the closet. why? because this war had nothing to do with them. this war was me and against myself, but somehow the two of you got caught in the fire.

i don't want that to happen again. this is my senior year and i want to live it. so i'm going to work for it soon. i'd say i'd start now, but the truth is, i can't just switch gears like i used to. i'm going to need a few days and hopefully, i'll be okay by then.

Song of the Moment: What About Me by Emily Osment
Random Point of Interest: it feels so damn good to write this down.

                                               What About Me?

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