Monday, December 6, 2010

Essay. -insert broken heart here-

I wrote this a little over a month ago and I just got the mark back today.
I got and 80%
I should be proud, yes? But I'm not. I'm so annoyed and I don't know why.
Maybe it's because I poured my heart into this and felt pain and choked up tears as I wrote and then I get it back and there's pencil markings all over it.
For your perusal, here it is (Comment, please!):

Confessions: My Heart

            What are you afraid of? Me? I’m afraid of a lot of things: spiders, the unknown, growing up. And the big one? Love. Weird, right? Who could be afraid of something so great? Something so beautiful? Something everyone is after? Well, I’ll tell you: it’s not just love in general that I’m afraid of, it’s not even the kind of love you feel for your friends.  It’s that sort of love that has to do with when you start thinking about who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Everyone’s got it down in their heads like it’s supposed to be a Cinderella fairytale, but it’s not like that in reality.

            You’re thinking, “She’s crazy. What is she, sixteen (Seventeen, actually--not that it makes a difference)? What does she know about the chemistry between two people called love?” In that regard, you might be right because as far as I’m concerned, I know nothing because I’ve experienced nothing. Sure, I’ve seen those movies about the two people that are either best friends or hate each other to the ends of the earth in the beginning and then, just before the credits roll, they’re falling head over heels for each other and end up walking off into the sunset together. Life isn’t really like the movies as far as I’m concerned, though. If it was, wouldn’t I look up at a guy and fall madly in love with him right then and there? Well, that hasn’t happened yet. As far as the books go, they aren’t all that original. They’re just like the movies: boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy (boy is probably a vampire), boy and girl fall in love. The end. But that’s the problem; media has got us thinking of how we think it should happen and not thinking of the realities that be. The reality being that it’s usually not easy, people get their hearts broken and get hurt, love isn’t perfect and sometimes it doesn’t show its face until it’s too late. Love doesn’t taste like sweet lollipops or sweet chocolate chips; sometimes it tastes like salt, metallic or something gone bad. It’s not an easy feeling, not just a four-letter word, it’s nothing simple. It’s ugly and beautiful at the same time. It makes me sick; positively and negatively.

            I could say that I hate love, but I don’t think that’s quite it. I’m assuming that part of the reason I am so bitter about relationships is because I’ve never been in one. I have a big group of tight friends and every single one of them has been in a relationship, so, really, it makes me think of one question over and over again: Why haven’t I? Jealousy often rears its ugly head and that just complicates things for me. I over-analyze every glance that comes my way from the opposite sex and eventually end up far worse than when I get no attention at all and just find myself wondering why. I will admit that being the only one that hasn’t been in a relationship has its advantages. For one, I haven’t had to go through a break-up just yet and two, I can learn from other peoples’ mistakes. The major one is that I have a very good support group that is always there for me, no matter what. They don’t particularity agree with my current feelings for a certain boy and they’ve made sure that I know this, because there are no secrets between us, but they’re still standing beside me in case I hurt myself. They’ve been with me long enough to know that I’m not any good at this courting thing and they know it hasn’t worked out for me yet. They know I’m a big softy and that I shatter easily. They know me and that’s the main thing.

            I ignored when they said run as fast as you can.¹ They’ve all told me to stop going after him, ‘they’ being the ones who will pick up the pieces if there are any in the end. They told me we didn’t go together. That we don’t. This boy that’s got me crazy was the last one I ever thought would. Shows how much I know. He’s a good guy, there are no questions about that, but could my hopes get anywhere? That is the real question. Am I wasting my time running after him? Is my heart tiring itself out over nothing? That’s what we’re all worried over. Does he know? Does he revel in the fact that my heart beats double-time when he gets close? Is he smiling sadistically behind my back at my pain, while he grins sweetly to my face and gives me a hug? I don’t know and perhaps I never will. As much as this feeling makes me float and jump and practically skip down those stupidly long school hallways, it also makes me want to tear my heart out just so I don’t have to feel anything anymore. I just wanna feel okay again.²

            But which relationship is gonna make you feel okay again? Which one is more important than the other? Friends? Family? Significant other? I believe it would depend on the closeness of the relationship itself. Your friends might not always be there although you’d hope that they would be, but sometimes things happen and they end up not being around. Your family is your blood and they’re there to support you but sometimes that just doesn’t work out for whatever reason, because not everyone has the perfect family or the perfect circumstances. As for that significant other? You may be in love with them now, but do you know if it’s the real thing? Do you know it’s forever? Probably not. Maybe I’m just going through the beginnings of becoming a bitter old lady whose only love comes from the numerous cats (dogs, actually; I’m not a cat person) sitting on every available surface in the little house with chipped green paint, curled shingles and peeling wallpaper, but that’s just my view of things.

Crushes never come with realistic expectations. They’re like illusions and fairytales. You never think of the end.³ And why would you? Millions of people all want the same thing: someone else to care for and to be cared for by someone else. They want to give their heart away. Millions of people are just like me: wanting but afraid to give. So what do we do? We either risk it all and go for it, trying not to think of the possible consequences as we make a beeline towards that certain person of our affections          or there’s the other option: we hide away until either our target comes to us, or we try and rid ourselves of these feelings so we don’t have to deal with it at all. Many of us have gone through it. We’re all human.

            Love isn’t a bad thing, but it isn’t all perfume and roses, either. There’s another side to it other than the sappy love songs about being enchanted to meet you 4. There’s a side that is cruel, that makes your heart want to be ripped out, if it hasn’t been already. We all hope for it, we all want what we don’t have, because we are human and possess greed as well as love. But if it doesn’t work out, I dare ask: is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

¹ Song: Dear John—Taylor Swift
² Song: Mean—Taylor Swift
³ Blog Post: Crushes—K. Charette
4 Song: Enchanted—Taylor Swift

Saturday, November 20, 2010

i wanna stop and thank you, baby

today was a good day. i love pirates even more than i did before (if you're reading this D, I'm not talking about you, haha, though I do love you :p). But seriously, tonight was great. I got to be a kid again, even if I was kind of being like, 'oh, no, I don't want to.' Because you all knew that inside, I was dying and that little Chrissie was being pushed away by a more prominent, smarter Christina. Maybe I'm reading way too much into this, but thank you, nevertheless.

Shopping with Mommy was great. Being with Mommy is great. I love you, forever and always.

It's just been a good day.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

i wanna hold your hand

it's been a long time since i last posted. sorry.

it's thanksgiving weekend and i'm excited to go make brownies for dessert for the big, awesome family dinner that we will have later tonight. four o'clock is a little early, i think, but there's nothing i can do about it. but, you know, my mother does have the turkey... ;)

as always when this time of year comes around, i find myself pondering what i am thankful for. this year, i can think of this:
--freedom of speech (otherwise i wouldn't have three running blogs--Confessions of a Pretty Belle, Downpour of the Heart's Outpour and my tumblr, aperfectlygoodheart--, a facebook and a goodreads)
--love of all degrees (my friends, family and that certain person that has no clue.)
--open minds (it's come to my attention that people don't like to accept things because they are uncomfortable with them. for those of you who are fine with these never-ending changes in life, good for you.)
--good books (currently reading Generation Dead: Kiss of Life. i'd like to take this opportunity and say that if you haven't read it, you should. if you have, you should read and subscribe to: because it's pretty cool.)
--music (i'm always grateful for this one.)

What are you grateful for?

Random Point of Interest: I really wanna go make those brownies and i wish someone would RP with me NOW. :)
Song of the Moment: Great In All the Earth by Starfield 

Sunday, September 5, 2010

a new day has come

so i've been meaning to do another post for a while now. here it is:

so, school started this past wednesday and normally, i'd be excited or maybe just treat it like another year, but this is different. this is my SENIOR YEAR. wow. and guess what? i'm scared as hell.

you know how they normally give you a few days to let the feeling of school sink back in? well, not this year. i have a spare first period so i didn't worry about that at all. walking into biology 30, however, is a different story. it's been three school days and i have now learned about the anterior and posterior of the pituitary gland (which i now have to do some more research on for a project that is due in the next week or so), the hypothalmus, adrenal cortex, thyroid (studied in bio 20) and the parathyroid plus other things i have managed to forget and already need to review.

in english 30, we had a fifty minute introduction session complete with paper questionnaires. we then watched a short film, ("Our Time Is Up") and discussed the paper (two paragraphs--that's all she asked for--that ended up to be at least a page--because in grade twelve, things are a lot more 'deep') we were to write the following day.  

the only class that was filled with introductory-type things the entire class was photography 1. i ended up quitting the class because it was no use to me. i now have a spare in that period, too, so now i just go home or to the library. (lulz. i sound so boring.) so, yeah, senior year is going to be a breeze. NOT. there's also an entire other semester to get through.

On the better side of things, i'm joining the yearbook committee and the grad committee (why not? it IS my grad! that being said, does anyone know a cool slogan for Grad 2011?). i need extracurriculars to shove onto my resume and who knows? it could be fun!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

tell me how to win your heart, for i haven't got a clue

lately i've been freaking about being alone and whining because i didn't like it. i wasted time and energy doing something no one cared to listen to. why? i don't know. because recently i've begun to want something else: i want to be alone. i want to hide, to not have to face the world or the coming of another day.

in your head, you're probably going, 'what the hell, girl? isn't this exactly what you didn't want?'

yes, you'd be correct in that assumption. but i don't understand it either. because it's more than just 'getting used to it'. it's so much more. i'm comfortable in my own head. sure, sometimes it's scary and doesn't make and sense, but it's mine.

my fear now? i'm afraid i might like it too much, this being alone and being in my corner. i'm afraid of reverting back to my old self from tenth grade. remember that, A.P.? i used to sit at the cafeteria table with a few people and H.H. used to try to talk to me, but my ipod was up too high or my book was in my face. or sometimes i just straight-out ignored her. but then she'd say something like: 'where do you go when you do that?' (referring to when i used to stare out the window and get lost in thought) and i'd look up, snapped put of my reverie and i'd respond angrily: 'i don't know! i just don't know!' i'd lash out and she'd jump slightly, not expecting the outburst. i thought my tone would imply that i wanted to be alone, but at the end of the hour she'd have her arms open for a hug and i'd leave her embracing air as i walked quickly to my Spanish 20 class. you were there, too. i remember doing it to you, too. you'd chase after me, up the stairs and to the door, sometimes surprised at my speed. you'd crush me in an unwanted hug and my arms would wrap around you limply, just to get it over with. i'd walk into class and Mr. M would look at me questioningly (if he was there; you have no idea how happy i was when he wasn't) and i'd try to give him a smile as i made my way to my desk with my friends. then, just like that, i'd switch gears. i'd be happy me and push sad me into the closet. why? because this war had nothing to do with them. this war was me and against myself, but somehow the two of you got caught in the fire.

i don't want that to happen again. this is my senior year and i want to live it. so i'm going to work for it soon. i'd say i'd start now, but the truth is, i can't just switch gears like i used to. i'm going to need a few days and hopefully, i'll be okay by then.

Song of the Moment: What About Me by Emily Osment
Random Point of Interest: it feels so damn good to write this down.

                                               What About Me?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

i was always your little girl (i'm not a baby)

you know what they don't understand? they want us to grow strong and independent, which is good, right? what they don't understand is that it's easier said than done. they want us to end up like them or better. no one said life was easy. i know that sounds so cliché, but it's  the truth.

what i don't understand is this:
my mama and papa taught me pretty much everything to survive. i could live on my own and have almost no problem, thanks to them. at the age of sixteen, that's pretty good. but this is where i get confused: i know how to care for myself so why do they feel the need to baby me on the smaller deets? like, when i should shower or go to bed or get up in the morning (currently seven A.M.) or even when i'm trying to be a normal teen (i.e: watching too much tv and such... I had to get caught up on my Glee and Vampire Diaries somehow... ;) )), suddenly i'm not so perfect anymore and they see this as an excuse to get angry. did i miss something? since when was this plausible???

on another note, i'm still feeling terribly lonely. like, actually. no joke. it's actually really sad. everyone's off having fun, carrying on with their own lives and me? i'm living the same day-to-day routine. but what do i do about it? thoughts, anyone?

Random Point of Interest: It is 10:17 and I am off to bed.
Song of the Moment: Papa Don't Preach by Madonna (Glee version posted below)

                                                 Papa Don't Preach (Glee)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

friend or foe?

Writing is freedom. It lets you say what needs to be said without your throat closing up. Writing is also your worst enemy. It can be used as written evidence against you and send you into a downward spiral of darkness. Writing is both friend and foe, but the result is ultimately up to you.

as the water slowly drifts

So, I'm feeling particularly suckish right now. No, I don't have the energy to cry anymore but y'know, it still sucks. What sucks, you ask? Well, there's the fact that summer is half-over and I have not done anything memorable. Sure, there were cool little moments (two days ago at the park, July 17th at K.B.'s place and July 7th at mine). THREE DAYS.

This leads me to the fact that I believe myself to be jealous of my particularly out-going friends.  They have lives, unlike me. Besides those awesome days mentioned above, my pathetic days have consisted of chores, cooking and reading. Reality is so much better in books. Even when it's the twisted stuff by VC Andrews because there's always a happy ending.

Speaking of cooking, I'm really not liking it anymore. Because it's taking so much energy. Energy I'm not willing to give if no one wants it. But at least my dad isn't like Abuelo. Not that it's a huge difference, based off of Mami's stories. Pero, sabes que? It'd be nice if people didn't just want me around (when they wanted me around) para cocinar. To cook. It's like, they don't want me around for who I am, but for what I do.

Yeah, I'm kinna pissed now, if you can tell. Which is where the random Spanish is coming from. The waters drifting away from me and I'm being dragged into the sand. (See, N.O.? Our little metaphor has a bitter edge. Just like everything else in this world.)

And the topic that probably comes up on every girl's blog: boys. In my case, the lack thereof. I mean, there's plenty of them. They're just hiding, I guess. But the time will come, I guess. Most of them are stupid, anyways. I mean, not like I've experienced anything, but from what I've seen, boys currently suck. X.C. (Swoon at Your Own Risk) does not  exist in the real world, ladies! (I totally wish he did, though!) :(

Random Point of Interest: My forty-something neighbor is playing with a remote control car like a four year old.

Song of the Moment: Riot by 3 Days Grace